The Day All of the Things
by MyPlague
Summary: The Day All of the Things That We Authors Sporadically Put In The X-Men: Evolution Universe All Happened Within Ten Seconds of Each Other (Really sorry about the rating. I had meant for this to be R in the first place, but it must have slipped by me.)


The Day All of the Things That We Authors Sporadically Put In The X-Men: Evolution Universe All happened Within Ten Seconds of Each Other (Or at least as many as I can think of)  
  
(This outta be good... By the way, I'm humorously guilty of most of the things I put in here, so don't be gettin' "all up in my grill" about this, kay?)  
  
  
It was an ordinary day at the Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters, which may or may not be located in Bayville, Maine or Bayville, New York (depending on the author) when suddenly, it was attacked by several otherwise unknown villains whose names would never be revealed as their author would never get that far in the story, at least a half a dozen completely new characters who want to cause nothing but chaos for no real reason, and, just for shits and giggles, a giant, hulking version of Jean Grey (or Marvel Girl, depending on the author). This would be the seventieth time the school was blown up, knocked over, and beat down on in the past week, so, naturally, none of the students really cared.  
  
Scott, Kurt, and Evan (whom, on the decision of the author, didn't _really_ run away with the morlocks, even though that's what happened on Saturday) sat on a couch, eating their individual breakfasts, as the kitchen and dining room had been mostly destroyed by giant Jean's giant foot.  
  
"Have you noticed anything strange about the institute lately?" Scott asked the other two boys, being careful not to let plaster from the ceiling fall into his cereal as the house was rocked on its foundations by...let's say Mr. Sinister in an army helicopter next to Olivia Newton John and Pikachu.  
  
"Like what, Scott?" Kurt asked, in perfect English, as the author decided it was too much work to add written accents.  
  
Suddenly, a young girl in her vague teens with picture perfect but still stylish hair, clothes, face, body, and persuasions, waltzed into the room, tossing back her hair and strutting like she owned the place.  
  
"Hi!" she said in a bubbly, but at the same time sultry, but at the same time mature voice. "I'm Sandra Xenia Athena Amazon. I'm your new teammate just because I say so, and I have problems that I'm going to shovel off on to all of you but eventually I'll save the day and all of you will like me. Except you Kurt," she glanced at the blue furred (or skinned, depending on the author) "You and I will fall deeply in love and will end my story with a deep, passionate, but innocent kiss."  
  
The three boys stared at her as if she had three or four heads, each of which were talking each at the same time in a different language whilst spurting flame from their nostrils.  
  
"Oh, and by the way," the girl added, "I'm related to Xavier, Scott, Rogue, and Kitty."  
  
There was a very, very, very...veryveryveryvery long pause. Accentuated only by the sounds of Apocalypse and his amazing, genetically engineered Rocket Men attacking the institute flower garden. Apocalypse hates flowers.  
  
"Who the hell _are_ you?!" Evan threw his arms into the air, along with his breakfast pastry. (Which would, though sheer misfortune, be cast into another dimension via an intergalactic wormhole in the ceiling and would later mutate and come back to kill Evan. But that's a whole 'nother barrel full of apples)  
  
"Yeah, bitch! Get the fuck out of here!" Scott said. Completely out of character (depending on the author).  
  
The girl looked ready to blast off with a too-well-constructed telling off of both boys, when suddenly a look of sheer stupidity crossed her face.  
  
"Oh no." she whispered. "My author's lost interest in me! They won't write anymore without at least 50 reviews! Oh SHIIIIII-"  
  
And she disappeared in a puff of writer's block.  
  
Another very long pause. In the distance could be heard the cackle of none other than Professor Xavier gone mad as he battled a gaggle of other students armed with a pointed stick and new legs that were really just long metal rods with big spikes in them.  
  
"Shit like that!" Scott jumped to his feet, pointing into the empty space the strange girl had only just occupied. "That's what I'm talking about! Things like that have been happening all over the goddamn place! What the hell's the deal?!"  
  
"I think I know what you mean Scott," Kurt said, also standing from the now plaster-covered couch.  
  
There was a silence as Kurt spun around in a slow circle, carefully scrutinizing the room around them.  
  
"What is it?" Evan asked, wanting to know what was so interesting about the goddamn room when a horde of mutant monkeys was flying outside of the window, flapping and cackling madly, demanding the use of their Herring. Or Trout. (Depending on the author)  
  
Kurt faced the other two boys with a look of confusion on his face. He said, "I don't think we've ever been in this room."  
  
Upon inspection, they realized that Kurt was right. There was nothing familiar about the room the occupied. It didn't seem to serve any function besides providing the couch that they had been sitting on seconds earlier. They didn't even know how they had ended up there in the first place.  
  
"I need booze..." Scott finally said, scratching the back of his head.  
  
"Scott," Kurt said, "You don't drink."  
  
"Depends on the author," Scott replied lazily, then froze in his tracks.  
  
"...What the hell did I just say?" he asked fearfully of the two other boys.  
  
Unfortunately, they never heard him. They were far too preoccupied with the naked figure of Kitty on the doorway. When Scott turned to face her, she immediately bolted towards him and flung her arms around his waist, locking her wrists so that she nearly squeezed the breath our of the poor Alaskan (or where ever the hell he's from. Depends on the author)  
  
"Oh Scott, Scott, Scott, Scott!" she cried, apparently in no way aware that she was stark naked, "It's horrible, and like, awful, and like...terrible-ful!"  
  
Scott made several noises that _could have_ been words in a different language, but otherwise, could not form a response to naked girl's outcries.  
  
"Erm...what's wrong Kitty?" Evan supplied, trying not to let his eyes stray towards her unmentionables.  
  
"Its Rogue!" the young (naked) girl sobbed, "She's trying to kill herself!"  
  
There was a collective moan from the three male teenagers.  
  
"Oh for chissakes!" Kurt rubbed his head, "Not again!"  
  
"That'll be the sixth time this week!" Evan huffed and slumped back onto the couch, "What is it this time? Razor to the wrists? Hanging? Or did she finally get smart and try a full-on shotgun blast to the face?"  
  
Taking advantage of the brief pause in conversation, The Brotherhood, which includes Tabitha because the author thinks she's cool, quickly penciled in an appointment to ransack the school and, within seven seconds, had reduced it into even more of a smoldering pile of rubble than it already was.  
  
Relieved that nothing _serious_ was causing Kitty's moans of anguish (she reacted this way whenever Rogue tried to kill herself, which was nearly a calendar occasion), Scott turned his attention to a more pressing matter.  
  
"Kitty...why are you...naked?" he asked tentatively.  
  
"Huh?" Kitty looked up from burying her face in Scott's abdomen, and then took a look down.  
  
"Oh!" Kitty slapped her head and immediately jumped completely onto Scott, locking her legs around his waist and grabbing him roughly by the sides of the head. "I'd nearly forgotten! Just this morning I realized, rather forcibly, that I was madly, deeply, sensually in love with you! And I want nothing more right now than for you to justify my love!"  
  
With that, the faint but unmistakable sound of Madonna's controversial single of that name was heard within the room (although no source of the noise could be found) and Kitty slammed her face into Scott's for an uncharacteristically pornographic kiss.  
  
Scott made several more noises that could have some vague meaning in a foreign tongue, but this time it was because he had Kitty's shoved down his throat.  
  
"Kitt - mmph! - ycouldyou - mmph! - pleast - mmph?! - opthis?" Scott managed to garble out through Kitty's periods of inhalation.  
  
"But Scott!" Kitty panted "I love you!"  
  
She then continued her rape-of-the-mouth.  
  
Scott turned, with Kitty still firmly attached to his face, to seek help from his two friends.  
  
With the way the morning had been going so far, he was not entirely surprised to find them laying on the couch making out almost as heavily as Kitty was attempting with him. Though it was still quite disturbing. (This is not depending on the author. It is _always_ disturbing.)  
  
"Oh for Christ's sake!" Scott yelled at them when he managed to tear Kitty's jaw off of his for more than 1.5 seconds, "Since when are you two gay?! You were ogling Kitty seven-and-a-half seconds ago!"  
  
Kurt pulled his tongue out of Evan's mouth (shudder) to contemplate this.  
  
"Dunno," he said chirpily after a brief moment's thought, "Seemed like a good idea. Depends on the author I suppose."  
  
Scott forced himself to look away to express his surprise at Kurt's last sentence when the two boy's make out session began to involve stripping of clothing.  
  
He couldn't think long though, as Kitty's forcible kissing was beginning to deprive him of air.  
  
He began to claw at the young, naked girl's head, but to no avail. Becoming more and more fearful for his life with each oxygen deprived moment, he began to run wildly around the room, flailing his hands in the air and ramming Kitty's firmly latched-on body into the closest wall at the time. But alas, nothing could wrench the young concubine's face from his.  
  
He had just about given up hope when, like the breath of God himself, there was a loud thwak, and Kitty's body crumpled and feel from Scott's.  
  
Scott looked up, gasping for breath (trying to ignore the sounds of what was surely an alien invasion right outside the door) to see his savior.  
  
There stood Gambit. Or just Remy. But not quite the way he looks in the series. Slightly altered. More rugged and dashingly handsome. With a coat. And better hair. And better everything. Basically as far as you can get from the series version of Remy as can be. But we still call him Remy, goddammit.  
  
The telltale bostaff in the Cajun mutant's hand told Scott what had happened.  
  
(Wait. No. It doesn't, does it? Ok, he hit Kitty in the head with it. Get it?)  
  
"Th-Thanks man" Scott rubbed his raw lips and tried to catch his breath.  
  
"No problem mon ami." The teen swaggered and did a little twirly move with his metal stick. "I been dealin' with 'dese a lot lately."  
  
"Dealing with what?" Scott inquired, believing some enlightenment was at hand.  
  
Gambit raised an eyebrow. He then gestured at the two boys who were now engaging in full-blown sex on the couch, Kitty's naked figure on the floor, and the swarm of child-sized X-Men duplicates running on the ceiling speaking Japanese.  
  
"Nothin' odd here, eh, Cyke?" he asked sarcastically, raising his arms to include the whole room. "Noticin' nothin'...outta whack?"  
  
Suddenly it came to Scott. He clenched his fists into balls and ground his teeth.  
  
"Damned fan fiction authors!" Scott shrieked, raising his fists to the air.  
  
"You got it, mon ami." Gambit said as he pressed a cigarette between his lips, "Dey can't leave well-enough alone, dey can't. Always gotta be changing things. Don' they relize the amoun' of regulation needed to keep their spastic shit under control?"  
  
Scott sighed deeply and gave a defeated look to the Cajun. "What the hell can we do, Gambit," he asked.  
  
Gambit looked around the room and smiled, he then pointed at a corner and said, "We can ask 'im."  
  
Scott turned to look where Gambit pointed and saw...  
  
...Me?...  
  
Oh shit.   
  
"Let's get 'im." the Cajun said, grinning evilly.  
  
Um. Fic ends here! Author is running! Help! Ooohhhhh craaaaaaap! 


End file.
